She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
