Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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