My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
