Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
