The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
