i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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