This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize