If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
