I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
