I accidentally burped into my bong.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Two words: nipple clamps
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