Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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