those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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