I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
