woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
