I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
