I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
