I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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