just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
