I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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