i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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