I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
