just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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