Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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