I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
