i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
