It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I will pee on everything he values.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
