So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
