i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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