Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
