so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize