tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
But theres a keg here and me gusta
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
