I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
whose ass print is on the piano?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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