Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
