thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
