Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The power of my boobs compel you
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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