Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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