the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
