I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
