Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
