ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize