Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
