why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
