The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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