Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
