Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
What a dumb baby whore.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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