Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
