I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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