and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
