chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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