my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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