You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
