Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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