Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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