I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sober January is a disaster.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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