I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
