drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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