Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
