I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
