Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize