Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
